The thing that you have always dreaded has occurred. He has confessed to being unfaithful to you. You listened, wept, tried to understand, berated yourself, and wailed some more…and decided finally that you want to forgive and forget his infidelity. But you have no idea how to do this as it seems easier said than done. Dealing with infidelity requires 3 key behavior modifications from him and 1 from you;
1. Pleading guilty! The 1st step to dealing with infidelity is that he ought to confess that what he did was wrong. Forgiving infidelity dictates that he admits that his deed was incorrect and that he made the wrong decision doing what he did. He cannot gloss over it or minimize it or else authentic forgiveness cannot even start. He cannot attribute all the blame to his partner in crime or the alcohol. He is not a automated machine but a man with the capacity to make decisions and he has to recognize this and that the decision he made was totally wrong. Nothing just happens….infidelity does not just happen…a man crosses a number of bridges to get to that stage. Being attracted to someone else can just happen … but unfaithfulness involves going beyond the attraction and actively searching for the person that you are attracted too (with the full knowledge that you are committed to someone else ) and contacting her and then finding the opportune time and place to commit the deed (or deeds). Never, ever (ever!) believe the “it just happened” fairy story. It minimizes his role in the whole sordid mess and makes him appear like the injured party which he clearly is not. And how do you forgive someone who isn’t even to blame?
2. Sincerely remorseful! Forgiving infidelity dictates that your man is really apologetic about his distasteful indecency. This is the kind of sorrow that makes him elect to never do this again. Women usually fail at this stage. Many women have supposed that a man was contrite about his appalling behaviour when he was only remorseful that you had caught him. Women truly want to believe their man at this point and so tend to fall for even what is unmistakenly a half hearted request for forgiveness. Be truthful to yourself so that when your womanly intuition indicates to you that he is not really remorseful then you you can suggest that you both seek professional help.
3. 180 degree turn! It is essential that he comes to the decision that he will completely avoid the route that leads to cheating for a second time…ever! And make a decision that he will be cautious in his relationship with other women so that he he is not a traitor all over again. He must bear with you being nosy and asking him questions about anything that you are anxious about with his friends. He live as transparently as possible and give you his daily calendar so that you can know with reasonable accurateness where he is at any time of the day. For him to secure your confidence all over again you must agree on certain things that he must adhere to….so that as he keeps the various things then your, confidence in him can take root.
4. Allow him to prove himself! Naturally your suspicions will be very high and you will be skeptical of all his late office meetings but forgiving infidelity requires you to be realistic and to give him breathing room. Quench the desire to call him a hundred times a day. But hold him answerable for the things that he committed himself to do, to be worthy of your trust.
Forgiving infidelity is a shared undertaking and if either of you renegades on their part then sincere forgiveness does not take place. If you continue in the relationship with infidelity unresolved (or incompletly resolved) it will be like having an open sore that you repeatedly poke at. You will feel like you are suffocating and drowning at the same time! Your self respect will disintegrate and your attitude towards life will become progressively more negative; and unpleasantness and resentment, will take a hold in your life.
